Netflix has taken control of my soul and twisted my nipples into watching TV series to their completion. When I come home after work, I’m exhausted and defeated, and easily wooed by the glossy screen. “Here Harry, sit down – take a load off! Pretend like the couch is rubbing your weary/wiry shoulders and I’ll melt your brain away with episodes of TV shows you were never supposed to see again.” Great! I don’t have to think, I don’t feel the shame because I don’t really remember what shame is after getting five episodes balls deep in “Shameless” – a win/win, seemingly.
Truly though, this is a terrible thing. My evenings and social life have dwindled, my energy is kaput, and friends connected to me on Xbox Live can see the drivel I’ve been exposing myself to. The machine Jim Carrey invented as The Riddler in Batman Forever is real and it’s name is Netflix Instant.
Here are the ten shows that have done the most damage to me thus far:
10) White Collar The super skilled dude is super skilled at smiling and intriguing my girlfriend into watching more episodes. I can’t put all the blame on her, as I was unable to put an end to watching the show with the constant tease of treasure maps, which have intrigued me since I was invited to a birthday party with a card in the form of a treasure map. There was no treasure at the X, and I’ve felt empty ever since.
9) Bones I hated this show at first. Everyone character is super smart and attainably pretty. Also, Bones’ manner of speaking sticks in your head like Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” if you rode the bus to middle school in the late 90s. However, after I started mimicking the voice around the apartment, it became more bearable and funny. There’s also such a sexual tension between Bones and her male counterpart that is resolved in the least sexy way imaginable – no romance, straight to baby. That’s not good in real relationships, like a movie going straight to DVD (I think of DVD as baby movies). I was 4 seasons in and lost a months-worth of nights before I’d come to the conclusion that it’s not so bad in content, but terrible in wasting my life.
8) Heroes The Asian guy’s name is Hiro and he’s on Heroes. It took me two seasons before I could confirm that he was not the center piece of the show. Also, not one of the characters was a New York fireman, which I thought was a wasted opportunity.
7) Dollhouse This is a show about a company that programs dudes and hot chicks – it stars Eliza Dushy-dushy-ku! (she has the mind of an infant for 50% of the show) – to be whatever person a client wants them to be (think “I know Kung Fu” in the Matrix, but there is no matrix). Most of the time, it starts out as something sexy and then escalates into someone being killed or saved, and not just by Jesus. The girls are attractive, Patton Oswalt was in an episode, and there’s an apocalypse, all positive things. The show, more than anything, was a good commercial for different kinds of skanky Halloween costumes you could consider wearing if you’re debating how to dress at your sorority social or are trying to salvage your marriage.
6) The Larry Sanders Show Classic show. Classic slow. Lot’s of episodes, lots of good characters, lot of excuses to stay home and watch instead of writing/going out and getting on stage. Also, it’s so nice to watch a show that displays how show business will ruin every relationship you’ll have as an entertainer, especially when you’re watching it with your significant other. All those moments are as awkward as when I watched “A History of Violence” with my parents at the theater. Spoiler alert, Viggo Mortenson eats Maria Bello’s pussy in the first ten minutes of the movie as if it is going to spoil soon. And then he rapes her on the stairs.
5) Dr. Who The first episode of this show involved mannequins coming to life and killing people. It was a bold move, considering they didn’t have a budget to make it look any more serious than a Super Bowl halftime show. I watched this show for the same reason I watched Jack Frost or the Ginger Dead Man. You know what I did after I watched those movies? I rented Evil Bong and Ice Spiders. Dr. Who is that of TV, but with better writing. The stories they developed for this show are actually incredibly creative, even though the most menacing villain they could muster looked like a salt shaker.
4) Battlestar Galactica Now I get the nerd references. Kind of a weak move by making only one Asian cylon, so all Asian cylon’s look the same.
3) The Tudors I’m going to yell. I’m going to fuck someone. I’m going to kill them later probably. My leg is gross. I’m the king. My daughter is going to rule one day and the amount of people she’ll kill will result in a drink being named after her.
2) Breaking Bad I’ve never done Crystal Pepsi Meth, but I imagine the feeling of being addicting to it is the same as watching the show. Super fun and exciting at first, but then you get deeper and deeper in and they make you feel like shit. No matter how shitty you feel, though, you HAVE to watch what’s going to happen next. I actually couldn’t bring myself to finishing the whole thing for fear of dying on the couch in misery, so I had a friend give me a detailed description of what happens in the most recent season. It took him an hour. Then he called me a “BETCH” out of respect for Jesse.
1) Charmed Hot witch sisters, yay! Hard nipples, yay! Lame plot lines, yay! What’s that? There are 8 seasons? Thank god, because I wasn’t planning on doing anything at all for the next year. There’s honestly nothing they love more in this show than showing cleavage and fucking up Alyssa Milano’s hair. Don’t remind your girlfriend that this show exists, as you will no longer have access to your XBox or her sexbox.