The shower is like your own personal recording booth that you never press record in. If you don’t sing in the shower, then you’re not showering, you’re simply washing away yesterday’s regrets. But some songs are better selections than others for your 3-20 minute experience. As I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s, many of the lyrics that are trapped in my head, begging to be released, are from the hits of those decades. I love all the songs on both these lists, and they are my recommendations to use and to avoid in the shower from the years of my adolescence.
Good For Shower:
Jewel – You Were Meant For Me
This song is chillax to the max. I’m gonna sing some Jewel while I get clean enough to shine like one. This song has a great pace, perfect for the exfoliation/loofa scrub process. I’m personally fond of the lyric “Never put my towels on the floor anymore”. Haha, Jewel, what a terrible mistake, even if it’s due to your reminiscence of past relationships. Thanks for the reminder to put down a towel or floor mat to avoid the post shower slip, though! When you get to the line, “Hearts are broken every day”, it’s a great time to take a quick sing break before returning to scrubbing something like your butt.
TLC – Waterfalls
The fucking name is Waterfalls, need I say more? I will. The song is contemplative, and being in the shower is a lot like being in a meditation chamber. It gets you thinking about your past and the choices in life that you’ve made or that are yet to come. Let Waterfalls be your guide as you decide your path. I like to reenact the scene where the ghost son tries to hug his mom, but can’t embrace her because of his post-mortem properties, by hugging the watery downpour from my shower head.
Weezer – Say It Ain’t So
You know how you love singing the chorus and “wrestle with JIMMY!” with hella emotion? It’s ten fold more dramatic with water pouring down on you. That’s more for sure than mathematics. The power chords provide a good rhythm for scrubbing. Go wild, play the arm guitar. There are also two water references in this song. The first, “Like a water slide that takes you further every day”, you can act out by prentending your body is, in fact, the waterslide. Holy shit. The second is “The son is drowning in the flood”! I like to hold water against my body and drop it so impact happens as I release that line. Timing is everything, people.
Wheatus – Teenage Dirtbag
Nothing is more fulfilling than calling yourself a dirtbag while you’re getting clean, not even tutoring children. This song is a lot of fun to sing, as the lead singer has a high-pitched singing voice that is a blast to emulate and is softened by the splash of water against your chest and the tiles. On top of that, he sings a part as the girl he’s talking about in the song, which is a slightly softer and higher pitched version of what you’re already going for, so your efforts will be doubley silly. Wheatus’ repetition of “She doesn’t know what she’s missing” makes you think of which spots on your body you missed scrubbing/things you forgot to accomplish in the cleaning process. Thanks, Wheatus, good looking out.
Wyclef Jean – We Trying to Stay Alive
This song has a couple Wyclef verses, but also contains several segments from his very vocally varied crew. You get to play a mélange of musical talent! The rap is not complicated, making it easy to flow while scrubbin up. When you repeat “Can’t stop the shining,” it’s like you’re referring to how clean your body is.
Bad For Shower:
Scatman John – The Scatman
I don’t care if you’re the only person who can hear yourself, you sound crazy. You’re the man scatting in the shower. On a technical level, this song is super fast paced, and there are no solid notes to hold or breaks for true shower efficiency. Save your scatting for before you get into the shower. Post-shower scatting is highly risky.
The Offspring – The Kids Aren’t Alright
This song is powerful and you can easily get behind the emotion. You’ll scrub your skin raw if you go with the rhythm guitar strumming. If you choose to commit to the vocals, you may faint, or slip and knock yourself out. This actually goes for the guitar solo, too. The Offspring will make sure you have no offspring if you perform their hits in the shower, especially this one, and all that danger happens in roughly two minutes if you go from where the lyrics begin.
The Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch
Fast-paced, requires a ton of lung power, and you have to concentrate on the lyrics if you want to perform it well. This song is an obstacle course in the shower, rivaled only by the Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” (honorable mention). The big difference between the two songs, though, is that this one will get you thinking about sex, which I always suggest you think of before the shower. The song is not sexy per se, but it throws sex in your face and you’ll have to do something about it within the next hour or so. My final issue is that the horn instrumentation is better suited for a whistle than a sung representation, and you keep that whistle shit outta the shower.
Oasis- Champagne Supernova
This song takes commitment, to say the least. It’s 7:30 long, which is either more than an entire shower or too high a proportion of your shower time. And if you’re going to get into it, you’re going to do a fake British accent, which will give you confidence that your fake British accent is legit, which it is not. Your British accent is definitely worse than your singing voice. Also, every time “champagne supernova” is said, it makes me envision that my shower is spouting champagne, and I feel like a rap video hoochie.
Marcy Playground – Sex and Candy
Smelling like sex is always a good reason to take a shower, so it feels counterintuitive. I don’t wanna be smelling sex in my shower. Am I showering in sex juice? Or disco lemonade? Either way, gimme that h2o, yo. This song is super down-beat, and will cause you scrub in slow-motion, which is unsatisfying and will leave you scrambling to rinse yourself off in water freshly squeezed from a block of ice.