The Natural Way

There is no reason in this day and age to continue using chemical based products that advertisements and the media say are safe to use.  We know they are not.  There are plenty of other options that work just as well that are more environmentally conscious and are better on your body, as they’re natural products that come from the earth.

When I wake up in the morning, first thing I want to do is flush out my bad breath and brighten up my chompers.  But I’m not going to use toothpaste with fluoride in it, a chemical produced by the man.  Would I cure my bad breath by spray Fabreze in my mouth?  Of course not.  I brush my teeth using creamed organic squash, purchased from a local farmers market.  If they don’t have any GMO free squash, I exclaim, “Well why don’t I just brush my teeth with robot fecal matter?” and suck on a barley root until the next shipment arrives.

And my hair?  This sheen mane?  As if I would put Head & Shoulders or Herbal Essences on my scalp.  Those bottles may as well come with Hazmat suits.  Everyone knows brain cancer is caused by the chemicals in shampoo.  Do beavers use shampoo?  No, and they have one of the sleekest, more sought after coats in all the land.  In place of shampoo, I, like the beaver, use mud from the banks of a river and beaver saliva.  All natural, and all my hair lives and breathes like a young Robin Williams.

I’ve also never had rabies, tetanus, hepatitis, or any other disease typically prevented by vaccinations.  But I won’t let a doctor in a white (the color of lies) lab coat stick me with his unsafe needles.  Do you think I want Autism?  The real preventative measure one should take, as I did, is to drill a hole into your inner thigh, pour a tea blend of chai (using filtered water) and whale blubber into the hole, and seal the opening with burning goji berries.  You can thank me later for saving your life.

Well, I just wanted to provide you readers with some knowledge before I pass on.  It seems that I’m about to die of natural causes at the NATURAL ripe old age of 32, as man was initially intended.  I would not have appreciated life to as full an extent had it not been for these natural remedies, and indeed would have passed on much earlier without their aid.

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