What Girls’ First Names Say About Them

Little Girl

There’s a very popular post out about what guys’ first names say about them. I’ve taken the liberty to develop a list of what girls’ first names say about them. If you’re name is pronounced the same as any of the names on this list, but is spelled differently, it means you’re an individual. If you’re name is not on this list, it means try harder.

Abbys are all about making pie, the food or the graph, whichever best gets their message across.”

Adriennes have a thing for the underdog.”

Amys read books during recess and learn about how cool drugs are from those books and then do those drugs responsibly. They’re pretty cool.”

Alexandras are incredibly classy, and though they won’t say it to your face, expect you to take your shoes off when you enter their studio apartment.”

“You can play croquet with an Alice and she’ll probably lose her head.”

“Every Ally you’ve ever met has a lock of your hair stapled to the 4th page from the back of her diary.”

Alyssas will write HAGS (have a great summer) in your yearbook and definitely not mean it.”

Ambers have an energy that’s beige in color and have an affinity for Go Fish.”

Ashleys aspire to live up to the nickname ‘Trashley,’ whether they want to admit it or not depends on how they spell their name.”

Barbaras put margarine instead of butter on their toast and claim they can’t taste the difference.”

Beth is short for Bethany which is short for Bethanitely not hooking up with you until the second date.”

Brandis paint their toenails as rainbows and their fingernails as toenails.”

Britneys eat cereal dry and complain about how overrated breathable clothing is.”

Brookes are willing to shave your back, but only if you’re a girl.”

Brooklyns all hail from Queens.”

Caitlins throw masquerade parties but don’t invite anyone to come.”

Caras control the Jews that control the world’s money supply in the bank system miles below the Earth’s crust. Don’t fuck over a Cara.”

Carolines leave the bar before 1am so they don’t have to hear that Neil Diamond song one more god damned time.”

Carolyns buy USA themed checkbooks.”

Caseys eat Jell-O, Cassies eat pudding.”

Cats ignore Catherines who bitch about Cathleens that act more like Kathys, whom no one likes.”

Chelseas watch porn furiously.”

Christines are 4.0 students. Christinas are 3.0 students. Kristens are 2.0 students. Christys are destined to drop out of school and change their stage name to Crystal.”

“The only way to find a Cindy in the wild is to hang bacon from a string next to a Forever 21.”

Danas brag about knowing how to drive a stick shift when, in reality, their self-conscious about their relationships with their fathers.”

Danielles are responsible for global warming.”

Debbies hug strangers, but shake their close friends’ and family members’ hands.”

Paint Nails

Ellens use conditioner in their hair, but refuse to use shampoo.”

Elizabeths pretend they live in the Victorian era and take their tea parties very seriously.”

Emilys…just don’t.”

Ericas are the girl next door type that carry cans of tuna in their purses.”

Erins know how to do some sexual things that other people have only read about in Highlights magazine.”

Graces are short for Disgrace.”

Gwens love horses and saddles and cowboy hats and cigarettes.”

“The first thing a Hailey thinks about when she meets someone new is how to make them a better person.”

Hannahs are the most attractive, smartest, hard-workiest, sexiest women in the world. Other names on this list, why can’t you be more like Hannahs?”

Heathers eat Fruit by the Foot in chunks.”

Helens keep it real at work, keep it real in their dating life, and live a lie to their pets.”

Hollys count cards and use it to put their kids through community college.”

“I wouldn’t go out with a Jackie unless I planned on having to pull up my carpeting to make the floor linoleum, seeing as they insist on it.”

Jaimies go to the movies just for the trailers.”

Jans/Janes/Janices/Janets/Janettes all love barber shop quartets, long walks in the desert, and decorative fans.”

Jeans listen to death metal to fall asleep and listen to Ted Talks when they make love.”

Jens don’t shave their legs. Jennys don’t shave their armpits. Jennifers suffer from alopecia.”

Jessicas eat goldfish. Not the crackers.”

Jills are super giggly and won’t be able to hold it in at your mother’s funeral.”

Julies are just cloned Julias made out of rice, silly puddy, and ground-up fOakley sun glasses.”

“A Kelly can change a tire using telekinesis, but can’t do anything else with it.”

Kims have visible farts made of glitter.”

Lauras arm wrestle children once they reach adulthood to build their self-esteem.”

Laurens lie about their SAT scores, but are very honest about their credit scores.”

Leighs have a wardrobe made of 90% faux-leather and faux-denim.”

Lesleys see the world in binary code, like in the Matrix.”

Lynns solve Sudoku puzzles using letters and call it algebra.”

Lindseys won’t text you; they’ll only write you letters and they still use emojis.”

Lucys are afraid of geese. Lucy v. Goosey.”

Mackenzies have countless stuffed animals they’ve stolen from recently deceased children at the hospital.”

“When a Maddison walks into the room, she verbally assures everyone that she is not a racist.”

Margrets will literally paint their jeans on.”

Maries believe the Harry Potter book series is non-fiction and we lose at least 300 a year to attempted broomstick flight accidents.”

Michelles think horses are better than the Beatles.”

Megans don’t realize they’re as bad at knitting as they are.”

Mollys are naturally gifted dancers, primarily polka, but would prefer to blog about cheese.”

Monicas take mud baths and are all 50 years older than they claim to be, but you’d never know it by looking at them.”

Morgans all write that they’re ‘Morgan Donors’ on the back of their drivers licenses.”

Natalies have decorative grills for their teeth that they plan to wear on their wedding day and then every day after that.”

Natashas can communicate with one another through batting their eyelashes, similar to Morse code.”

Nicoles actually think turkey bacon tastes better than Beggin’ Strips.”

Stuffed Animals

Paiges get turned on by the sound of Velcro strips being torn apart.”

Phoebes drink Slim-Fast for the flavor.”

Rachels give great foot massages through your shoes.”

Renees believe the world will end in 2222 because it was the last 4 digits of a fake number someone gave them once, and that’s as good a sign as any.”

Rebeccas are born again Beccas.”

Samanthas are total Carries.”

Sandras date people that remind them of the first magician they ever saw perform in an attempt to relive the magic.”

Sarahs actually remove children’s noses when doing the ‘I’ve got your nose!’ trick.”

Shannons hair color is fake. Trust me.”

Susies think clip art is legitimately good artwork.”

Tanyas have a tattoo on the bottom of their left feet that says, ‘I am woman, hear me roar.’ with a picture of a baby lion next to it. They don’t realize that it’s a male lion.”

Taras date gross people.”

Taylors are the type of girl you want to go to prom with because their moms are smokin’ hot.”

Tiffanys are afraid of heights and celery when it has peanut butter and raisins on it.”

Valeries can spit across an 8 lane road during heavy traffic and not hit a car.”

Vanessas love Kanye West just to spite their parents.”

Vickys only go to the bathroom once a month. What’s going on with you, Vickys?”

Whitneys put temporary tramp stamp tattoos on every morning before they go out for the day.”

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