I want my coach to be well seasoned in flag football. No, I don’t mean heavily penalized. Yes, I do mean wearing belts and ripping the flags off the belts instead of tackling players. Football’s a dangerous game and everyone’s getting concussions and suing the NFL for brain damage. I support the players on my team and I don’t want anybody getting hurt! They have a future to think about. A lot of them have kids to feed, even if they don’t know it, and I think a head coach should be looking out for the future of their players. With flag football experience, I’m confident a head coach could find a way to get his players, and opposing teams’ players, “down” without all that needless violence.
My coach needs the foresight to guide his star players to be in the best commercials. Why is Peyton Manning considered so great? Is it because of all his touchdowns and his incredible in game play? Uh, no, he’s only won one Super Bowl, so statistically he’s actually garbage. The reason he’s already a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame is because he’s a fantastic personality in commercials. We got to see him shine on SNL, but he really pulled through into our hearts when he’s in that car commercial and his dad, Archie, calls him in the car about firing up the grill and Peyton looks at the camera and gives a top-notch thumbs up. Whenever I give someone a thumbs up now, I feel like Peyton Manning, and it feels good. Whenever someone gives me a thumbs down, I feel like Eli Manning, and it does not feel good. An ideal head coach is going to guide his players into which roles he thinks would be best for his studs to take. I don’t know what the roles are, or I’d at least be coach of the Dolphins. As a side note, I don’t know if Caldwell is responsible for any of Peyton’s commercial choices, but I do know that he didn’t have Flacco featured in any spoofs of “The Wire” while he was in Baltimore, so I’m going to count it as a potential wash.
An ideal head coach knows the importance of winning, and isn’t afraid to talk about it. Why didn’t we interview Charlie Sheen? Who isn’t impressed that he’s been beating death for god knows how many years? The Lions should have at least interviewed him to make it a good round 5 candidates interviewed.
The head coach should be inspirational, as well as contemporary. A head coach needs to inspire his players and satisfy the media, and we can’t have one of these “Good Ol’ Boys” doing it. They’re out of the loop! Have you ever talked to someone else’s dad about politics and thought, hey, he’s got some great ideas! Spoiler alert, it almost always ends in tax cuts and racism, and racism doesn’t win games. I want someone with Ted Talk experience. They know how to captivate the ADD crowds of Netflix, and if you can get them to listen, then you can most certainly get athletes with slightly less brain damage to pay attention.
And lastly, when I’m looking for a head coach, I want him to have an incredibly animated face. We’re living in a world of memes, and he needs to participate. Listen, I don’t have time to read the news, and I have even less time to read the news about sports. What I do see, though, are hundreds of thousands of memes. They tell me everything I need to know on a subject matter, and if a coach has a face that scrunches and contorts like Jim Carey having a baby, then he’s all the more likely to star in some of these viral wonders. Get a whole series of them out in a row, make some GIF headlines, babe! His players will respect him and listen to everything he says, because people only play football to be popular anyway; I remember high school. And nobody’s more popular the GIF/Meme dominator.
I certainly hope Jim Caldwell fits all these criteria. I don’t expect him to, nobody’s perfect. But we can always dream, right?